Maintenance

St. Louis has been seeing cooler temperatures the past couple of days. Hope your area has, too.

Fall and spring seem to bring about the "maintenance" mindset and it has gotten me to thinking.

My mother has had some "maintenance" things done to her house this year. She gets the grass cut on a regular basis. She's been clearing out, thinning out really, the accumulated stuff (clutter?) that was once necessary, or seemed so. Thinning out is a form of maintenance, I think.

My sister has had some maintenance work done on her home, too. Once you've made the plunge into home ownership, the upkeep becomes a huge priority. It consumes a large part of your attention in that you most likely have to do some research, figure out if you can do the task yourself or have to contract it out, and then if you do it yourself you have to do all the frontloading in buying the materials, etc.... or if you contract it out you have to get the bids, etc...

It's a lot.

Even for us condo-dwellers, there is maintenance. While my weekend has not been so much upkeep as it has been acquisition - moving a very large piece of furniture from my Aunt's house to my condo - the activity did involve some renovation-type work and will require a little remodelling to my foyer. During the move I had the chance to talk one-on-one with the son of my dear friend as he provided the much-needed muscle to get that buffet up the stairs.

We talked about relationships. (Kit is a remarkable young man with a heart as big as all outdoors. I just love this kid.)

And that's where the whole idea of "mainenance" took on a different perspective.

Face it: you maintain your dwelling because it's your safe place, your investment, your home. If your home crumbles down around you, the bricks and boards can be rebuilt. Failure to maintain your home has consequences, but they're strictly financial when you get right down to it. A house shelters you; it doesn't love you.

Once you take the plunge into a relationship - whether a new friend, a new potential romance, or a lifelong commitment - you truly are required to accept some measure of "ownership" for it. Including the maintenance.

Not that every relationship is going to be forever. Far from it.

The bottom line, for me, is to get an honest answer to the question:
Is my life better with this relationship in it?

Sometimes, sadly and painfully, the answer has been that my life was not at all better with a relationship in it.

But for those that remain or have been rekindled, there is an obligation on my part.
I get that.

Relationships require maintenance. Constant maintenance.

Time. If you're in, be in. Spend your time on your priority. If your priority is doing only what you want to do, then spend your time on only your own pursuits. But know that your relationships outside of those pursuits will suffer because of it. Your time - and not just the time you have left over after all of your own stuff is taken care of - is required in a relationship. Required. Mandatory. Not optional.

Interest. Are you showing interest in things that are important to the other person? Or is interest a one-way street headed in your direction? Do you even know what others are interested in, or have you already dismissed the subjects because they simply don't interest you? Differences make us interesting. I know things that you don't; you all know so much about other topics! How could I possibly be a great "Trivial Pursuit" partner if I didn't find you all so interesting??

Attention. Just freaking pay attention. (Umm, to the other person.)

Affection. Every human relationship involves some form of contact. Even a new business introduction includes a handshake, for crying out loud. While a handshake does not involve affection, it simply points out that humans touch each other. Period. So touch, already. Hug. Hold a hand, whether it's in a romantic way or sharing grief or just a squeeze because words have failed. Maintain affection.

Effort. What do you put your effort into? What do you spend your time on? Where is your interest? What, or who, do you pay attention to? Are you effectively showing your affection?
These are the things that maintain relationships.
These are the effort we put in.

If we are very fortunate our effort is not in vain and our lives are the better for the relationships we have.